No more.
January 24th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
It is ten years, seven months, and thirteen days since the night you altered my childhood in two submissions to temptation, requiring a major detour for my future. My hatred for you spawned the moment your weakness challenged my strength, and I’ve carried the debris from this for far too long.
Because of God supplementing my strength I understand that I will never be able to hurt you as much as I believed you deserved. Because of your weakness I suffered years of fear, skepticism, and distrust and because of these as consequences, people in my life have suffered. If I don’t forgive you, I worry one day when I bring children into this world that even they may suffer from my fearful protection. Revenge is a u-turn I can’t afford to make, acceptance is the green light that allows me to move forward.
I will hate you no more.
I have felt for several weeks now that God is expectant of me to take action, sincerely and faithfully, and erase you consciously and subconsciously. If I am to grow into the woman He wants me to become… my grudges cannot accompany me. Forgiveness is a pretty word, but it is possibly the most challenging virtue to exercise. Even after this post is finished and I go to bed, you won’t be forgiven in the morning. Bitterness, hatred, and residual pain must all be drained and replenished with acceptance, love and forgiveness. This is a process and I recognize its difficulty.
I might not ever truly forget you or your sin but I pray God shows you mercy just as I pray He continues to show me. I pray your daughter forgives you and doesn’t live her life with the same burdens as I have. I pray that you can one day confess, let go, and let God.
I have let you slow my pace for too long and I deserve to be free of your mistakes. I’m through with this detour and I’m ready to return to the main road where you don’t exist and my life moves forward with little resistance, my only obstacles being the occasional flat tire or bump in the road. God’s strength as my fuel and faith as my map I’m about to go where you never will and I thank God… everyday… for His guidance.
I don’t forgive you.
I’m forgiving you.
moxie_5.25
