Pawning my aegis

Those of us who live behind our self erected walls are deluded into believing we are as strong as our fortresses. The fact is, if we were… we could live without them.

I’ve fallen off the horse quite a few times in my life, lost faith in relationships, crawled back into the emotionless den I built for myself and “let it scab“. Pain used to terrify me. After my first sixteen year old heartbreak and years of men in my life providing inconsistencies and no stable foundations for me to trust, yeah you might say I was guarded for a very long time.

I only let people in for quick guided tours of who I was – showing only what I wanted them to know. If ever I felt they were getting too close I used my typical defenses – humor or abrupt retreat. I made dozens of friends but for the most part I felt I could take ‘em or leave ‘em. I refused to let any of my friendships become dependencies that might “hold me back” or inconvenience me. In a nutshell – I was selfish.

It wasn’t long before I had to realize that the walls I had built weren’t portable… I couldn’t carry them with me and I couldn’t move forward as long as they defended me. They were stunting my growth and preventing me from truly enjoying everything God was giving me and trying to show me.

Even in my last relationship of two years, I shared a lot and felt happy but I knew all along I wasn’t giving it my all, I didn’t trust them with my heart and so it was never truly theirs, and I was still so guarded they just didn’t have a fighting chance.

But last summer God hit me over the head hard and He used someone I couldn’t possibly miss to do it. My fortress didn’t stand a chance. It was instantly brittle until it just fell into ruin. I realized outside of my walls how much I had broken. Friendships, promises to myself, relationships with family, trust… it was essentially all the debris of twenty-three years that I desperately needed to clean up.

I spent the last five months mending friendships I had neglected, apologizing to the ones I hurt the most. I pushed myself in school to realize my potential and learn what I was previously hesitant to explore. I forgave my family and stopped blaming them for the tensions and disappointment I’ve felt for years, gaining my control back by accepting them for who and what they are. I finally learned to trust someone with all of my heart and lived everyday with a growing faith in God’s plans for me. There were bumps in the road… even another painful fall off a different horse… but instead of becoming the emotional mason that was once so quick to build thicker and thicker walls I instead found peace, got back on the horse, and I’m going to continue forward. I have no aegis – no shield for the next inevitable blow – just faith and constant prayer that whatever happens I will trust God and trust myself to make the right decisions.

I’ve been told by many that people don’t change. I disagree wholeheartedly and I thank God that this isn’t true. If it were… this post would be pure fiction, I would still be where I was, under the same delusions and barely living behind everything I was once afraid of. I’ve changed – transformed – and it wouldn’t have been possible without God and the people in my life that He sent to show me who I’m meant to be.

I am as strong as God has made me to be. I will walk forward knowing He will carry everything for me.

Let go and let God.

Like I told you, I’ll be praying for you… every day. 

Cherish

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