Lent | 2012

The kick off for Lent 2012 begins tomorrow… or in 1 hour officially. Historically, Lent was a strict Christian event that required fasting in preparation for Easter. Today, Lent is generally about locking one’s secret stash candy drawers for a few weeks leading to hallucinations of everything smelling like chocolate and somehow equating this torture to Jesus’ 40 days/nights in the desert being tempted by Satan. But seriously Lent it about practicing self-discipline for (in my opinion)the growth of one’s faith.

Prior to Lent we should ask ourselves what is in the way of us growing closer to God. Nine times out of ten, if we’re honest, we’ll realize it is ourselves. I have a few leads on what my personal, spiritual clots are and I hope to gain some God given perspective on how to address them over the next 6.5 weeks.

LENT Article 2.22-Section A: I am hoping to defiantly face all the tempting foods that seduce my olfactory receptors and boldly protest these salty, sugary, ranch covered, grease pool, cellulose laden delectables with dignity and grace. I have noticed an unhealthy relationship with food encouraging a mental hold that I submit to when I’m bored or bottling stress. I’m legitimately concerned about how hard it is sometimes to remind myself I’m not hungry every time my friends want to go out to eat or when I take a trip to the local snack machine. Despite the amount of time I dedicate to the gym, the physical exercise doesn’t remedy my teetering self-discipline, it only lightens the guilt.

So, I’m already aware that my main temptations will occur whilst working at RiRa on the weekends, delivering plate after plate of fried awesomeness and cheesy greatness, and potentially being offered free edible options, which the “jew” in me will certainly find difficult to decline. My other temptresses will be every time someone in studio says “wanna go to Pros[pector]?” and what ever consumption opportunities there might be on spring break.

LENT Article 2.22-Section B: I go to bed after endlessly staring at my computer and I wake up reaching for it. This kills time I should be using, not only for an essential morning breakfast and some general grooming, but also time I could be spending in sincere prayer. Right now there are so many unknown variables in my life and I’ve been suppressing my anxiety over it with mind numbing scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, etc. It’s getting ridiculous. What I need more than anything right now is guidance, not distraction. So I want to set aside 10-15 minutes before bed each night (which I’ve already been working on) to read my Bible and pray for direction in my life and the lives of those I love, and spend at least 10 minutes each morning beginning my day with gratitude. I write down my prayers already so I’ll have a record specifically for Lent that I can reference.

Unfortunately, I don’t recall the last time I participated in Lent, but there’s no time like the present. I pray for the God given strength in all of us to surface during this time of discipline and faith nurturing.

 

Cherish

No more.

It is ten years, seven months, and thirteen days since the night you altered my childhood in two submissions to temptation, requiring a major detour for my future. My hatred for you spawned the moment your weakness challenged my strength, and I’ve carried the debris from this for far too long.

Because of God supplementing my strength I understand that I will never be able to hurt you as much as I believed you deserved. Because of your weakness I suffered years of fear, skepticism, and distrust and because of these as consequences, people in my life have suffered. If I don’t forgive you, I worry one day when I bring children into this world that even they may suffer from my fearful protection. Revenge is a u-turn I can’t afford to make, acceptance is the green light that allows me to move forward.

I will hate you no more.

I have felt for several weeks now that God is expectant of me to take action, sincerely and faithfully, and erase you consciously and subconsciously. If I am to grow into the woman He wants me to become… my grudges cannot accompany me. Forgiveness is a pretty word, but it is possibly the most challenging virtue to exercise. Even after this post is finished and I go to bed, you won’t be forgiven in the morning. Bitterness, hatred, and residual pain must all be drained and replenished with acceptance, love and forgiveness. This is a process and I recognize its difficulty.

I might not ever truly forget you or your sin but I pray God shows you mercy just as I pray He continues to show me. I pray your daughter forgives you and doesn’t live her life with the same burdens as I have. I pray that you can one day confess, let go, and let God.

I have let you slow my pace for too long and I deserve to be free of your mistakes. I’m through with this detour and I’m ready to return to the main road where you don’t exist and my life moves forward with little resistance, my only obstacles being the occasional flat tire or bump in the road. God’s strength as my fuel and faith as my map I’m about to go where you never will and I thank God… everyday… for His guidance.

I don’t forgive you.

I’m forgiving you.

 

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This too shall pass…

Last night I dreamt…

I sensed something was wrong. Alone at my apartment I came downstairs following my intuition and untangling the locks I pulled open the front door. The sun was shining but the sky was gray and off in the distance was a massive storm, a black tornado weaving back and forth upon the university headed straight from my complex. I immediately began looking for my neighbors, wondering if they knew what was coming, then I looked over to the other half of my complex and saw it had already been hit and now fires and screams were left. If this monster was to come back and destroy our side there was only one thing I wanted to do. I ran back inside and grabbed my mother’s ring, my grandmother’s earrings, my grandfather’s necklace, Mike’s hoodie and my Bible. But before I could make it back down the stairs I stopped myself. I might not survive this disaster waiting on my doorstep and if not, these things, these valuable pieces of my life could not come with me. So I set them down… tears already streaming down my face because it felt like goodbye. I walked outside through my back door and hit my knees. All I could do was pray. I remember praying for my neighbors, my mother, my family, my best friend, Mike, my friends in Colville. I remember accepting my fate and telling God to make it quick. Then I stood and ran around to the parking lot out front. I looked up, the storm was right in front of me.. and then suddenly the sky seemed to drain and the black funnel was swallowed up… and disappeared. I remember feeling God in that moment, His power so undeniable. I fell to the ground and cried, thanking Him over and over again.

When I woke this morning, I remember thinking this is a dream I’ll always remember, just like my dream about that beautiful country with incredible towers and the most vibrant colors, or when I was six and I dreamt I could fly, this would file under unforgettable. The best part is… this dream was so symbolic of my week it was as if  God sent me this dream to illustrate, even in my subconscious, just how incredible He is to me. I am beyond grateful.

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The Land of “For Now”…

The six of us quickly made our way through the free coffee and hot cocoa line and settled into a row in our usual section at Warehouse 242. We soon learned that the Power of Hope series was intercepted and Pastor Bruce was suddenly benched due to an injury.

Plan B: Endure a prerecorded sermon on the big screens from a worship series two years ago. I’m down.

It was titled “The Land Between” where the motto always began or ended with “for now” such as, “I’m living with my parents… for now.” The sermon immediately began to sink in. Six college students anxious about their last semester in architecture school, finding jobs and/or being accepted into grad schools, one might say the message was appropriate.

In the Land Between the soil is extremely fertile for complaint.

It’s really easy to let stress and circumstance during this transitional period eat away our gratitude and replace it with bitterness and dissatisfaction, leading to resentment towards God and/or the people in our lives. As humans we are programmed to reject when times are tough or not ideal.

However, the sermon also discussed how the same soil is also fertile for growth.

It is here, in the unknown, where we will be tested over and over again until we come out, hopefully, better, stronger individuals. I’ve been stumbling across this land for a couple years now and my lack of intuitive navigation skills certainly hasn’t benefited my attempt at escape. So, for now, I must endure the obstacles and follow God’s voice. I’m learning to trust day by day and I hope I’m prepared for what’s coming this year.

For now I will practice patience.

For now I will focus on immediate goals.

For now I will grow in peace and faith, trusting God to strengthen me.

I will accept everything I don’t know… for now.

 

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Pawning my aegis

Those of us who live behind our self erected walls are deluded into believing we are as strong as our fortresses. The fact is, if we were… we could live without them.

I’ve fallen off the horse quite a few times in my life, lost faith in relationships, crawled back into the emotionless den I built for myself and “let it scab“. Pain used to terrify me. After my first sixteen year old heartbreak and years of men in my life providing inconsistencies and no stable foundations for me to trust, yeah you might say I was guarded for a very long time.

I only let people in for quick guided tours of who I was – showing only what I wanted them to know. If ever I felt they were getting too close I used my typical defenses – humor or abrupt retreat. I made dozens of friends but for the most part I felt I could take ‘em or leave ‘em. I refused to let any of my friendships become dependencies that might “hold me back” or inconvenience me. In a nutshell – I was selfish.

It wasn’t long before I had to realize that the walls I had built weren’t portable… I couldn’t carry them with me and I couldn’t move forward as long as they defended me. They were stunting my growth and preventing me from truly enjoying everything God was giving me and trying to show me.

Even in my last relationship of two years, I shared a lot and felt happy but I knew all along I wasn’t giving it my all, I didn’t trust them with my heart and so it was never truly theirs, and I was still so guarded they just didn’t have a fighting chance.

But last summer God hit me over the head hard and He used someone I couldn’t possibly miss to do it. My fortress didn’t stand a chance. It was instantly brittle until it just fell into ruin. I realized outside of my walls how much I had broken. Friendships, promises to myself, relationships with family, trust… it was essentially all the debris of twenty-three years that I desperately needed to clean up.

I spent the last five months mending friendships I had neglected, apologizing to the ones I hurt the most. I pushed myself in school to realize my potential and learn what I was previously hesitant to explore. I forgave my family and stopped blaming them for the tensions and disappointment I’ve felt for years, gaining my control back by accepting them for who and what they are. I finally learned to trust someone with all of my heart and lived everyday with a growing faith in God’s plans for me. There were bumps in the road… even another painful fall off a different horse… but instead of becoming the emotional mason that was once so quick to build thicker and thicker walls I instead found peace, got back on the horse, and I’m going to continue forward. I have no aegis – no shield for the next inevitable blow – just faith and constant prayer that whatever happens I will trust God and trust myself to make the right decisions.

I’ve been told by many that people don’t change. I disagree wholeheartedly and I thank God that this isn’t true. If it were… this post would be pure fiction, I would still be where I was, under the same delusions and barely living behind everything I was once afraid of. I’ve changed – transformed – and it wouldn’t have been possible without God and the people in my life that He sent to show me who I’m meant to be.

I am as strong as God has made me to be. I will walk forward knowing He will carry everything for me.

Let go and let God.

Like I told you, I’ll be praying for you… every day. 

Cherish

…

I fell back asleep hoping I’d see you again.

Perspective

A co-worker lost her father today.

An attempt to fathom what she’s going through right now brings quick tears to my eyes. Two days before Christmas, trying to earn a few extra holiday dollars at work, and then she gets a call….

This bubbly, genuine young woman I’ve enjoyed getting to know was suddenly facing one of the toughest days of her life right in front of me.  I certainly don’t pride myself on being a great comforter. My tear ducts are subject to being overwhelmed with empathetic precipitation and so I typically avoid situations where sympathetic etiquette is required. Quite simply, I’m a you-hurt-I-hurt type of person. Babies cry and my throat starts to close. I’ve certainly viewed it as a curse not an endearing characteristic. However, today was an exception. My first reaction was to pull her into a tight embrace and tell her how sorry I was while tears streamed down both our faces. In that moment I would have done anything to take away the terrible pain that accompanied her loss. I’m only an acquaintance to this pain as I myself have never lost anyone close to me, but I’ve watched this pain appear on dozens of faces in my lifetime and I’ve witnessed many families lose someone dear to them. Its not easy no matter where you stand.

This week I’ve been struggling with my own issues: distance, mixed emotions, bitterness, confusion, doubt, emotional stress, a bad attitude and private tantrums. I haven’t been in the “holiday spirit” and I’ve been flawlessly avoiding any questions that might reveal to anyone that I’ve had a rough week. The past two days I’ve been angry and scared, uncertain and anxious, and honestly trying to figure out how to deal with not getting my way.

Today I was forced to put my life in perspective. This week I was being a class act brat – a 23 year old equivalent to stomping feet and exhaustive pouting. I felt hurt and confused and frustrated at how everything was suddenly thrown off it’s imaginary track leaving me stranded without any means of navigation.

But not even twelve hours ago a young woman was crying in my arms at the loss of her father and it wasn’t until that moment I realized nothing else mattered. In that moment everything else became insignificant, especially myself.

The rest of the day I prayed for her and her family and I thanked God for everything and everyone I have in my life. Everything from my emphysmatic transportation to my college education and everyone from my mother and best friend Marsha to the kind strangers I served today at RiRa. My bad attitude vanished and every bitter feeling and ounce of doubt I was consumed with transformed into patience and gratitude. My sincerity returned and I recognized that every struggle is an opportunity to be grateful.

So this holiday season, I pray for everyone else who is going through a difficult time. Just know that even if you don’t have all the answers right now, recognize what you do have and be constantly thankful for it.

Love,

Moxie_525